Isolated.

Well I have recently started school. It's a terrific pain in the rear to find a peer reviewed article for class by the way.

Lately I've really felt the need to talk to others about being a bisexual, but that really hasn't panned out at this point. It's hard to broach the subject with people in this state. Everybody is LDS. (Generalization, I know)

I spoke with one individual about it only to receive a lesson in why I was "living in sin" for just being bisexual, which is NOT the position of the LDS church, thank you very much for a lecture in your religion, that I am apparently more familiar with than yourself.

I talked to a friend of mine about it as we were headed out to the desert to shoot some clay pigeons. His reaction was a bit amusing actually. He says "Really? Your bi?..........I had no idea." Of course he had no problems with it, he just couldn't believe I am.

It's really difficult being overall alone in this. My wife is there for me but really can't understand my situation. Not fully in any case.

I haven't told any of my family members. I'm pretty sure I would get a similar lecture from them about "living in sin" and then my grandma would find out. I really just don't think my grandma needs to know honestly.

I really wish life was a lot easier. In an ideal world I would have no need to fear what others thought of me. But this world is far from ideal.

Nothing much.

Well I'm up at midnight again. Just can't seem to sleep much lately.

Bit worried about starting into higher education. Will be doing that here quickly. Summer semester is definitely an interesting time to start. I'll be starting into a particularly weird schedule, which will then change into other weirdness.

I have looked into the idea of joining with a LGBT type club on campus, but they all seem quite militant about things. At this point I'm really more into having people I can relate to, rather than protests. They really love their high visibility protesting.

I've also noticed a bit of a slant away from bisexuals. Seems some think you're either homosexual, or heterosexual, but bisexual doesn't exist.

I never expected to encounter that sort of attitude from homosexuals, but there it is.

Doesn't surprise me. Seems everything I do in life is swimming upstream.

Army related injuries have been acting up, the weather doesn't help. Nobody probably cares about that part, but I'm typing it anyway.

Managed to get all my books together for school. Algebra has me nervous. I never did well at it, and I'm worried I'll continue that trend.

The books aren't cheap either. Seems $150 is normal for one book.

Just more fun.

Worries.

Just like anyone else, a lot of things in life worry me. I know in a lot of cases there is nothing real to concern myself with, but it's still there. Hiding beneath the surface, attacking my mood whenever I allow it.

Most who know me don't see me as the worrying kind. I tend to keep those sorts of things hidden from view. But one person sees it all to clearly. My wife.

She supports me, and she does her best to alleviate the worries I have. But let's be honest, you just can't shake worrying.

One of the things that worries me the most, is how my wife views me. I know that she sees me as her protector. She sleeps with a night light if I'm not there. It's cute really.

But, how does she really view my bisexuality? She was not the least bit surprised when I came out to her, and knowing what she did, she made the difficult decision to stick to our marriage when it looked all too close to failure.

Tonight I was very much "in the mood" and I made it known. She told me that she would just rather not tonight, and that she would like to just cuddle in bed.

Honestly we don't have problems in that arena, but it upset me. I can't shake the worry that she finds me repulsive. I'm constantly worrying that our intimate life will cease, or slow down so much that it may as well not exist.

This worry is probably baseless, but the idea is of little comfort.

I feel like a jerk. I shut down to her, didn't allow her to lay her head on me as she fell asleep, and after she fell asleep, I went straight to the couch, and here I sit typing.

I know I need to talk to her about it. Communication IS key in a marriage after all.

I wont bother her about it tonight though. In all likely hood, she will wake up as soon as I walk into our bedroom. I'll just give her a hug and a kiss, tell her that I love her, and that I'm sorry. I hope she understands.

Although it worries me, I have no reason to believe she wont understand. She really is a unique woman.

New conversation opportunities.

After finally revealing to my wife the truth, that she already had figured out on her own, it has opened a new area of discussion for us.

She was watching a show, ( I believe this show to have been vampire diaries) and she turns to me and says: "Babe, do you think Damon is hot?" Honestly, this was unexpected.

So, I look at the person on the screen, and sure enough, that guy is pretty attractive. So, of course I say so. Next thing I know she's asking me about all sorts of other characters in the shows she likes to watch.

She asks about Edward and Jacob. Jacob is attractive, no surprise there. However, Edward looks like a sickly douche bag. (I might mention I thoroughly despise the actor.) And in my estimation, twilight is a horrible, horrible plague on humanity, but I digress.

So, we go to the zoo in salt lake. While we're there, waiting to take our kids on the carousel, my wife nudges me and points a guy out. "What do you think of him?"

The guy was about 6' tall, dark hair and had some sort of sideburn beard thing. Really can't describe it.

You know what? He was hot. And being new to all of this, typing that felt weird.

But he was. So I told her so, and we talked about what exactly we found attractive about that guy. Turns out we both pretty well liked the same things.

It really has been a different experience. Never would I have thought my wife and I would enjoy talking about men we find attractive. It's really a whole new angle on our relationship.

I do have one worry........My wife thinks Dwight Schrute is hot. And she also thinks I'm hot.

I really hope I'm not as ugly as that guy. I feel almost insulted by it!

Well, here's to learning a new angle on our communication.

My marriage.

I imagine this question has crossed a few minds. It was certainly a major concern for me.

You see, I've known I was bisexual for quite a long time, but had never really accepted it. I met my wife in high school and married her shortly after she graduated.

At the time, I hadn't intended to ever accept this. It just wasn't a factor in my decision making.

So, fast forward 5 years, my wife and I have just recovered from a rough patch in our marriage, and life is looking great. We're communicating well, and we have almost no secrets from each other.......Almost.

I had accepted my bisexuality about 1 year before this, and I was scared.

At the time I was scared because I was afraid it would be the thing to push our marriage over the brink into a divorce.

After we got our marriage back on track, I was worried she wouldn't accept it, and our now on track marriage would die.

One morning, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell her.

I laid in bed for a few hours that morning. Running everything through my mind.

I got out of bed and got breakfast, my wife was on the couch.

My wife, who knows me VERY well, immediately asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing, but she didn't believe me. So she pressed me a bit.

When she did, I asked if she would like to take a shower with me. She pressed me more and I said "I'll tell you in the shower."

So, we get in the shower, and I couldn't just tell her right off. We cleaned ourselves in silence, and then I said it.

It just kind of stumbled out. "Babe.....I have to tell you........I....I..........I'm bisexual."

I would have never expected how she responded. "Babe, I know." she said with a smile. Turns out she knows me way better than I ever knew. She even told me that is exactly what she expected me to tell her.

I guess she had seen some "patterns" that suggested I was, that I wasn't even aware of.

The greatest thing, she figured it out about the same time I accepted it, and she stuck by me and worked with me to improve our marriage, even when separation was so close.

I really am lucky to have such an understanding spouse, she truly is unique.

Intro.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am a bisexual man living in Utah. I'm in my mid 20s, and am married with two beautiful daughters. 

I was raised LDS, and most of my family still is. I'm a Veteran of the US Army, and I'm partially disabled.

Basically, I'm starting this blog because I recently fully accepted my bisexuality, and only a select few people know about it, but I have a lot to say about things and I don't want to talk my wife's ear off. I do that enough already.

I'll be posting about my experiences as a bi sexual man in a state where the culture does not accept me, and about life as a bisexual man married to a straight woman. 

To anybody reading this, thanks for doing so. It seems that being able to write it all down and actually have people read it will be very helpful to me.